Expectations ~ Are They A Trap?

The Practice of having no Expectations

There is wisdom in the practice of not having expectations. When we remove the element of expectation, we can better protect ourselves from being disappointed or triggered because things didn’t go our way or when we face any challenge; can you relate? Many of the skills presented in my upcoming books, The Lighthouse Effect: From Survival to Revival (coming out in the fall) and The Lighthouse Effect: Skillful Recovery Program Training Manual (coming out this summer) are specifically intended to reprogram your mind to default to a more balanced or neutral stance. 

The goal is to be more inclined to go with the flow and step into acceptance when unexpected things happen, rather than resisting, denying, or judging them, and thus, reacting negatively. Especially in our dynamics with others. You might notice there is a part of you having a negative reaction to this concept; it’s natural. We humans learn early to have expectations and judgments about how others should be in a relationship with us. My major point here is that these uncomfortable experiences are a call to do a deeper investigation of what is really happening within; we can reprogram ourselves to connect with others in healthy, supportive ways, to essentially be the lighthouse and shine from within. Whether our default is an aggressive communication style (which is really about surface-level protection) or a passive communication style (which is also about surface-level protection), we can forge connections without either forcing ourselves or perspectives onto someone else or canceling ourselves out to maintain the connection. 

 

I first learned this wisdom when I was training in martial arts; to expect the unexpected. It was in the context of learning self-defense against a surprise attacker, but it applies in this context too, in that it has to do with muscle memory, how role-playing and other forms of experiential psychotherapy work to change or rewire the brain to respond in a different way. There will always be times when we put much effort into planning an event or preparing for an interaction, and something unexpected happens or someone reacts in ways that surprises us. There is no quick fix for dealing with automatic, negative reactions other than to practice another way, and to do so in a supportive and encouraging way. Whether we are talking about physical training or emotional management, in aligning mind, body, and spirit, our entire human system will synergistically come into cohesion. It is the synthesis of Ego and Soul, a partnership that enables us to be resilient and assertive from within, rather than reacting with aggression or passivity. 

  

It’s not that we want to have no expectations at all, as they are an element of manifestation, and it’s important to dream and envision the lives we want. The wisdom is in learning and practicing how to react or respond skillfully and with intention to anything (person/place/event) that is a surprise to the body/mind/spirit. We can’t really train our emotional body or “pain body” (a term coined by Eckhart Tolle) to not react at all, but we can become skillful at centering our mind and mindfully reacting when we get gut-punched by life. We might look at training the mind to be alert for the unexpected as part of the adventure we call life. The key is to practice “turning the mind.” It’s a concept that is prevalent in “The Work,” a self-inquiry process and program by renowned author and teacher Byron Katie. To paraphrase, she encourages us to view challenges as opportunities: I look forward to the next time I have an unexpected event so I can become more and more skilled with how I choose to interpret it or respond to it. I will practice believing that this is somehow for me instead of personally against me. It can feel like it is against me, yet it is always for me, to strengthen me and help me to become more resilient and flexible while remaining fully engaged in life.

  

“Living life on life’s terms” is a common adage in the recovery community and one that I reference in The Lighthouse Effect Skillful Recovery Program, as it parallels or underscores the concept of Radical Acceptance, which is to simply accept what is. I have found that the first step toward healing is awareness, specifically, to become aware of and focus on the beliefs that are wired into our trauma memory, regardless of the severity; once we identify them, we can work to change them. It is about exploring within and acknowledging our more immature, smaller self, or what we might call Child Self or Child Mind. That fearful part of us needs to be seen, heard, and accepted without judgment, so that the more expanded, wiser, taller self, or what we might call Wise Mind, can lead. We will never be fully successful at lowering the volume or changing the intensity of our emotions or the feelings encoded into our brain, until we revise the stories or narratives that automatically pop up when life presents surprises and challenges. Change your complaint; change your life experience!

It is critical to remember that this path of self-empowerment is not a path away from you, but rather, a pathway back to you, to your authentic self. Once you become aware of your trauma memories and triggers, you can begin to revise those negative, reactive patterns and narratives by using (practicing, practicing, and practicing) intervention tools and skills like Radical Acceptance, and allowing Wise Mind to lead. In facing your “inner council” of characters and learning how to respect where they are coming from, you are better able to meet their needs. This is the journey of healing into wholeness, of integrating Ego with your true essence, with Soul. 

The key to coming into alignment is mindfulness, or mindfulness practice, which is the primary component of The Lighthouse Effect program and process. It’s not about becoming someone else, someone outside of you, it is about growing into a more expanded version of yourself, much like the acorn that grows into a majestic oak tree. By choosing to tune-in vertically (along your chakra or energy lines) you align with your expanded self or Soul Self, in the same way the oak-tree sapling aligns itself toward the sun. In that vertical state, it receives nourishment both from above, from the sun and rain, and from below, from the soil and composted leaves and wood. Nature models all of the wisdom we ever need to know, and contains all of the nutrients (medicine) that we need to thrive: Be as the tree! (Consider turning off the TV and social media, and immersing yourself in nature––daily if you can!) 

Releasing expectations and stepping into “radical acceptance of what is” provide a great mindset to adopt and practice in your daily life, in order to live your best life! 

 

With Love & Encouragement,

Faith